Just met someone while travelling?
Perhaps you are doing the long distance thing?
Maybe you met online, and you are in different cities or even countries and want to make this work out.
Or you both met at home but you are not sure where the relationship is going?
Well I may be able to help you in knowing if this person is worth your energy and love.
I am not a relationship expert by all means but over the years, I have learnt more about myself and what I deserve in a relationship. One thing I am now sure of is those signs to look out for, those red flags, those alarm bells. I have learned to trust my intuition and listen to my heart, as in the end, it is almost always right.
No room for playing games…
As you will know in my story about how Carlos and I met post, after returning home to Australia from Mexico, Carlos and I decided to give the long-distance thing a go. It required effort on both ends and we were honest with one another from the get-go. We had no room for playing games.
After many conversations with girlfriends of mine, from all around the world, I realise as us women enter out 30s and beyond, we have less room for the bullshit we may have put up with in the past. Our time, energy and our positive space that we have created, belongs only to that special person who is going to respect us, work with us in our journey of life and enhance our happiness.
So now, just to make your decision a little easier, I have collated a list of signs or warning bells or red flags, or whatever you would like to call them, to hopefully help you listen to your intuition and what your heart is saying. As sometimes those questions or doubts may arise in our minds from time to time.
I should mention, Carlos and I wrote these together as it does help to have the other perspective also.
Sign 1: He doesn’t call or text you daily.
A call or just a simple text can really go along way and make a difference in a person’s day.
With social media, Facetime, Messenger, Skype, Instagram etc, it is fair to say it is very easy to even just say “hello” or say “I am alive” or more effectively, “I have been thinking of you.” I don’t think it is needy or too much to ask. We are blessed today, where staying connected is easy and efficient.
Sign 2: He says he is too busy.
He is too busy working, starting a business etc…..
We are all busy and have our own lives which is vital in any relationship of course. But relationships are work and just as we do with work, we also need to apply the same effort in building our relationships. I remember balancing my work life, samba training, gym training, friends, family and then in between making that time to speak with Carlos even if it was just for two minutes. Believe me, there is always time in those 24 hours we have. And if they are busy, it happens, again it takes two seconds to shoot a message and let the other person know.
Sign 3: Time difference is a factor.
It should not be an issue when you are trying to make a relationship work. Time difference is a killer and it can feel like you are on a time schedule. But again just like work, relationships are work also, it is necessary to make it happen.
Sign 4: “I don’t know what I want yet.” I am just trying to figure things out.
We are all trying to figure things out in life right? But the question is are we wanting to do it with the other person? We are all on our own pathway, but if it is the right one, that person is willing to hold your hand along the road no matter what bumps come along. If they want to do it alone, that is ok too of course, but we need to be on that same page together.
Choose someone who says they want to figure things out with you, no matter how lost they may feel in that moment. Moments and situations change, so if you are willing to find out where that leads you, express it to one another.
Sign 5: He will only travel to see you if it is convenient for him.
You should be the only reason he needs to see you. And of course, it needs to be reciprocated.
Travelling back and forth takes alot of time and money but to me, love conquers all. And for the right person, you would do what you have to do meet each other halfway, split the costs or at least make the plans to know you are both making the effort for one another.
Sign 6: You are not secure that you will be mentally and emotionally looked after
If you think about how you will feel prior to moving to that country and you begin to have doubts or questions, such as, “will I feel alone?” Then most likely you will. This is something that I think is easy to push away. However, doubts are always usually an indication that something doesn’t feel right.
My gut used to warn me all the time about not moving to France with my ex partner who used to discuss moving to France from Australia. Although I loved the idea of going to France to live, the idea of doing it with him, used to terrify me. Why? Something in my gut used to tell me it wasn’t going to be as fulfilling as I hoped and wanted it to.
The novelty always wears off and at some point, if not addressed, that feeling will come back.
When I moved with Carlos, I had no idea what was to come but I had no doubts about us and how he would make me feel. That to me was enough to take the chance and start my life with him overseas.
Sign 7: Not making you a priority.
It can be pretty scary to move. It is a huge step. If the move is to be with that person, then that person will make you their priority and ensure you are well taken care of.
This would also include prioritising your needs. It is important to communicate what they are beforehand, as they are just as important as your partner’s. Brushing your needs off or priorities in life, should not have to be put on the back burner.
Sign 8: He doesn’t include you in his future plans or doesn’t like talking about the future with you.
I think this one is a super important one. Building a relationship in separate cities or countries requires open communication about everything that is important to you- whether it is family, your expectations, values.
If you are willing to change your lifestyle and life, then knowing where you stand beforehand and if you are on the same page, is vital before making the decision to move.
The last thing you want is surprises when you are there together about where this is going and you both having very different ideas about the future.
We all want emotional security and I think when this is fulfilled we can easily go with the flow and then allow the universe or destiny to take its course.
Sign 9: He doesn’t want to negotiate.
Nobody wants to change someone but they have to be willing to compromise- they have to be willing to meet you half way.
We can’t have everything in life and I think it is because life is all about compromising and empathising.
You always have to give a little to take a little. This applies to all relationships. I have seen time and time again, the woman giving too much in the hope he will love her more or want her more. When, from the beginning, we have to know we are enough and we deserve the best. That to me is enough.
A final note
Whether you find these points useful or not (I hope you do), I just want you to know that once you understand and are aware of your own self -worth, only then you can attract positive relationships in your life.
At the end of the day, no one can tell you what you feel and what the best decision is but one thing I do know is, trust your intuition- this is where the truth will lie.